Fear

I realize once again that I'm too afraid to step outside of societies "norm." I don't like the way my life is going, but I'm too scared to change it. If nothing else, life is somewhat stable right now.

I'm scared to achieve. I keep procrastinating school because deep down I don't really know if I want to be studying psychology and working as a therapist. I want to get a degree and probably a master's, but I don't want it to be in something that means nothing to me. Originally I wanted to study psychology because I found it interesting and after going through my bout with gaming addiction I could understand it a lot more. I want to get a degree because I want it, not because I'm supposed to, not because anyone else wants it for me.

I'm scared to find better work because everything will change if I do that. I'm good at what I do now and I'm worried that I won't be good enough at the next job. I truly hate working at best buy, but I can't force myself to find something better. I know I am definitely capable of doing better, but how much of a change will it be. Will I be happy then? Does it matter? I'm not happy now, what would I have to lose? I don't know.

I'm scared of the doctor. I've been sick for over a month. I've gone through a sore throat, tonsillitis, congestion, light cough, heavy cough, light cough again, less congestion, then more, then less and back to a bad cough. I woke up this morning with severe pain in my side under my ribs. Did I damage a rib? I don't know. I can't sleep because it hurts like hell and I can't get comfortable. I don't know how much a doctor visit will cost. I don't know how to find a doctor I can trust. Do I go to the ER or find some clinic? I have no health insurance and I'm on my own.

I'm scared to be alone. I hate having no one to rely on for the important stuff. Who do I turn to for advice and guidance? Is this growing up? Do I need to get a real education and career and be able to find doctors on my own? Do I have to learn to rely on myself? I'm scared to do that. I don't trust myself. How can I rely on someone I don't trust.

Life...

"The great barrier to success is the fear of failure." -Sven Goran Eriksson

"The key to change.. is to let go of fear." -Rosanne Cash