I want to rant a little bit about life. It seems that life likes to play a games with me. Whenever something good happens, something bad has to follow, but it doesn't seem to always work the other way around. Today after nearly 2 years of waiting I got my tooth fixed (well mostly, need to wait a few weeks for the permanent crown). Shortly after this 3 hour dental visit my car starts acting up again. I thought things were going well with the car, but it seems the money I put into it was a complete waste. I had to end up having it towed once again. /sadface
Work is a constant complaint. I'm not going to say i'm a perfect employee and don't have faults, but I believe I do put effort into my work. I like doing a good job and I like giving my customers what they deserve. If the customers are happy the store will make more money and the employees will be happy. It makes sense to me.
Best Buy seems to be a good company and I know of people that enjoy working there, but I can't seem to enjoy it for more than a week or two at a time. I guess retail isn't for me. My biggest complaint is that their punishment/reward system is non-existent. If I work harder than the next guy I don't seem to get anything more than the next guy. If I laze around most of the day I don't get punished. I don't see any incentive to work any harder than the worst player on the team. The only thing that keeps me working harder is the fact that I take some pride in what I do. I see this as a broken system. The sad thing is that the company is profitable and they're happy with it. Am I the only one that sees the potential? If you get rid of the lazy people and hire people that work hard and take pride in what they do you'll have limitless potential and much more profit in the business end.
I seem to be angry a lot and most of it is from everything going on right now. Car problems, not enjoying work, difficulty getting into school, insurance, finally getting my tooth fixed, finding a new place to live, not making enough money to do more than the minimum to survive. Living paycheck to paycheck really sucks. I guess i'm just stressed out and don't have anywhere to turn to, to release it.
I think I understand my mom a bit more. She was always talking about my potential and how I could do anything I set my mind to. Although I'm probably not making her proud of me because of the above listed problems, I do understand her better. Because of work I have been paying attention to potential and possibilities. I see so much that can be done and improved, not only in work, but in life. I don't understand why it isn't done. I look to myself because of my potential that isn't being tapped and wonder if my lack of motivation is the same problem that infects everyone else? Are we slowing down as a society because we are not motivated? What will it take to motivate a society? I can't even motivate myself, I can't imagine what it will take to motivate so many different people to work as a cohesive whole. I think I have lost my passion for life. I don't mean the the will to be alive, but the passion to really be alive. I feel that I simply exist and I want to live. I want to experience more. I do so little for myself and for society that I'm basically worthless in the whole. I take from society but I give nothing back. Those of you who know me, know that I care about people (maybe more than I should sometimes). My problem isn't that I'm selfish and don't want to give anything back, my problem is that I can't find that motivation or that passion to do something worthwhile.
I would like to understand that passion, that motivation to do, to live. I don't know where to find it, I don't even know what I'm looking for. Is it the same in all of us? I know different people are inspired by different things. Is there a universal inspiration? I can't think of a single thing I am truly passionate about. I care for people. I like to learn. I don't know... That's it. I simply don't know. I don't even know what I don't know because when I try to put words to it I can't. What will it take to light a fire under my ass? I want to want, but I don't know how? Is there an instruction manual somewhere? Can I find it on the internet? The people I keep around me don't seem to help, as I'm still in the same rut. If anyone has an idea please let me know.
I seem to be able to motivate other people from time to time. I am able to understand them and push them in the direction they want to go. I don't think about it, I just do it. I talk to them and help them see the path they're looking for. I don't know why I can't dissect myself in such a way and push myself. One of the things that bothers me most in life is not knowing something or not knowing how to obtain the knowledge. I don't mind putting legwork into finding out the answer to something, but when i don't know the question how can i possibly find the right answer?
"Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be." -Karen Ravn
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